What was my intention of getting into the studio today?
To simply move stuff around
So if I do so with full judgement??
It informs my process greatly, moving judgement through my body. So I can really be with the dance wherever that is.
(◕‿◕✿)
I haven’t been doing anything lately, I haven’t been thinking hard or working too hard. I’ve just been laying in my apartment, reading, skipping meals and watching reality TV.
Sweet nothings woke me up from a deep deep sleep.
My windows open and the sun is about to kiss sunset. They are playing basketball down stairs and the dribble is singing along to Stevie wonders secret life of plants. The more I feel I go backwards in time, to last night. I’ve been latching onto the feeling all morning. Torturing myself? Maybe its the idea of a sacred love. So attainable and deserving.
I feel the monstrous creep up my spine, my body remembers again an unfortunately familiar wicked violation. How naive, how strong I was when I was weak. How I popped the fluid in my knees to bend deep and deeper into the Earth again. Can you believe that I found that after what they did to us?
Oooo I want to fight. Fight you for cracking the base of my skull without my consent. Your coercion is the weakest power I have ever seen. Sad and pathetic, thinking patterns that were not assigned to me.
I had to fight for months to remind myself no one is capable of entering without my consent. You helped me find boundaries again. How bittersweet, how your weak power made me strong.
It was that bad down deep in me, you had to drill to my hard parts through my soft ones taking whatever you pleased along the way?
I have never felt the kind of inner strength in the way I have felt today.
I think it very much has to do with the fact that in the entirety of my dance career this is the first time that I have ever gone to Physical Therapy. LOL I finally have the resources to get this intimate type of strength training and I am so grateful cause I plan on dancing forever and my body really needs this inner work.
Today, I feel the full weight of my body being held by my legs, I feel the gravitational pull of the Earth pulling against my head top and my endless resistance.
Mad awake and happy :)
It takes a deep deep gust of willpower to resist learned and practiced physical patterns and to choose to soften your nervous system enough (while navigating the mundane waking life) to make a shift. I am trying to shift through those things everyday and its a lot of fucking work.
I am asking myself this…
CAN YOU TRUST YOUR BODY ENOUGH… TO THROW IT INTO DEEP EMOTIONAL RESPONSE? IN OUR CULTURES CLIMATE. CAN YOU TRUST YOUR BODY ENOUGH TO LET ITS RESPONSE DECIDE WHERE YOU TAKE TOMORROW? HAVE YOU BETRAYED YOUR ANATOMY… AGAIN OR DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOUR DEEP DEEP KNOWING?
Well,
I am creating rn and it’s been such a silly process. Why is it, that when I have everything I still can’t come around in the way I imagined? Maybe cause I never needed anything in the first place or my expectation of starting was just not at all accurate to this sensation.
This sensation feels like this:
I am daydreaming all day, soft plump kisses have filled my lips. My eyelids now have zipping brilliant worlds on them. I’ve been frolicking through inviting my lovers and friends. Then dancing them into existence, pantiless in my living room
Lethargic and squeaky is the process these days.